when metamours don't get along

Anyway, that can definitely be helpful, of just approaching it with kindness and gentleness and maybe sort of apologeticness and understanding. Everyone has different sensitive topics or actions that will be difficult for them to process, and - having your partners get along. I think we've all had a lot of practice of things also feeling good as well that gives us a good contrast to when things are not feeling so good between metamours and partners. I'm going to take care of my side of the streets. That's what it's good to-- Especially also venting-- I've vented to the two of you but I also been to the people totally removed from the situation. It's just going to set up for just a much better conversation around what the actual behavior is. It's like a Venn diagram, in my mind of like, the ways that is unique in the ways it's really actually quite similar to other relationships. I think that's something actually we're going to get into more later is this idea of projecting your own thoughts or feelings on to this person. WebThe most common definition of kitchen table polyamory (KTP) is a polyamorous setup where everyone in a polycule is on friendly enough terms that they can share a meal or have a cup of coffee at the kitchen table. Right, exactly. Come back to that when you need to have just like my partner decisions with what they do with other people are not about me. Dedeker:A part of that listening, still needs to have boundaries in it. Often it's just a moment of catharsis for you, whereas like in the big picture, it's not going to be good overall to do that and to be unkind in a way to this decision that your partner is consistently making and still wanting to be with this other person. Dedeker:I guess this idea of giving this person a chance, this feels like such a thing that's like so case specific and it's hard to give broad advice but it seems like I would think that if it's a thing where you've only heard rumors maybe or you just heard gossip, maybe trying to give a chance. That it is their choice to do that and it is- that is something worth keeping in mind for sure is that you're not their parent. It's like money zone Emily:We do have just a brief moment where we want to talk about ways that you can support our show. If no ones allowed to have more than one serious partner, theres no need for a word for additional relationships. It's not always just like, I don't like it, there's always nuance to it. It isn't your job to tell them what they can and can't do or who they can or can't date. However, I do think there can be some value to expressing to your partners, "Hey, you talking badly about this person, you hating this person, you throwing a fit every time I hang out with this person, those things hurt me. Then that can engender the sense of like, "If I do feel insecure, I can't be open about that, or I can't acknowledge that because it's that's newbie stuff. She loved it. Friendly body language and pleasantries help build a positive rapport. Really be mindful of that. Is there something about the tone of their voice or about the way that they speak or the things that they're interested in or the way that they style themselves that I'm just like, "I had an experience with someone like that once that left a bad taste in my mouth and now, I'm automatically projecting that onto this person". The boundary is not, "I'm putting a boundary on you, don't say this." Often used in polyamorous communities. Webwhen metamours don't get along when metamours don't get along. There's often subtlety to it. The first is to consider rehoming one or more of the cats so each can have the space and attention they need. Dedeker:We're on the cusp of the antichrist. I don't know. But if you already have two or more, and your cats dont get along, there are a couple of options. Jase:You have no desire to improve your romantic life, then our podcast might not be for you. I think Emily's suggestion as good as love like giving yourself a chance to humanize this person and form your ow. That's life". You don't know. I've definitely found for myself, it can get to this can really cognitively shove that part down and just not even acknowledge that what's going on is I do feel like, "This person is better than me in some way," I don't even let myself entertain that thought because I'm like. "There is so much support from them in order to get us back on track." It is okay to have boundaries around how much you will talk to this person or not talk to this person. Jase:I just want to express my dissenting opinion about this one. Dedeker:Related to that, another question to ask yourself is, is my dislike this person based in the fact that they remind me of someone from my past that I don't like? I agree with you Dedeker but still is a good opportunity in which to potentially check yourself and say, "Hey, okay. Is it about thoughts I have about my partner?" That definitely is a helpful thing to put out there. Jase:By using that promo link, tryquip.com/multiamory, you get $10 off your first refill so your first refill will be free. Maybe they were feeling angry about this thing," and you're like, "Why would they be angry about that thing?" Again, like all of these questions that we're going to ask ourselves in these scenarios are going to be ones that are really good to try to figure out because often like you're going to be bringing your own personal biases into this relationship with your metamour. I just want to express my dissenting opinion about this one. WebWhen metamours don't get along. The first way is through Patreon and we've talked about that a little bit on this show already because our $5 and up Patreons get the wonderful opportunity of becoming a part of our Patreon only Facebook group, which is an amazing community of, I think most recently we got to 666 members, which, oh man. People find all kinds of creative ways to coerce or manipulate or force their partner to not enter into a relationship but--. I want one." It is okay to give yourself some gentleness and some love and some compassion, because I think that it is important that you're able to take ownership of the things that you may have done that maybe contributed to this scenario, because sometimes there is. Between these two extremes is a middle ground; metamours may not be best friends and may not hang out with one another, but they may be friends on social media and reach out to one another occasionally. I thought about that, I don't know if it always holds up, I'm not sure. If your metamour is comfortable disrespecting their Dedeker:As of this moment that we're recording, we're on the cusp. You can get access to these groups and join our exclusive community by going to patreon.com/multiamory. Not how did someone else feel in this relationship with them. - then that will be incredibly impressive. That's an important distinction we always need to make. I will say that I liked the way that Emily phrased it better than saying, "You need to fucking get over this." If that's something that they and I are going to talk about, let us do that, please don't be the go-between, please don't try to relay messages between us. If there's special events or special things that you want to do, we can communicate about that so that we're not both competing for making plans on the same days or something." They're so focused on how much they don't like this other person or how much they think this other person is the cause of these problems, that they don't realize how much they're hurting you in the process of disliking that person. I'm not supposed to feel insecure. Number four on our list for this one is to kill them with kindness, is to be apologetic when necessary and be understanding when necessary. Thanks again for that because you can go actually to their website and check out, I believe it is the article, "Help, I don't like this metamour to my partner dates". Susan Sullivan, 57, also lived there along with her 37-year-old nephew, James Skaggs. The metamours in this relationship are not friends and may never meet. Am I making assumptions? ", I guess this idea of giving this person a chance, this feels like such a thing that's like so case specific and it's hard to give broad advice but it seems like I would think that if it's a thing where you've only heard rumors maybe or you just heard gossip, maybe trying to give a chance. It's better to go at it in a more gentle way. Another thing to keep in mind is to just take care if you're going to make the choice to talk to your partner about your metamour not liking you. I think what I feel, my opinion of what's most important here when confronting a metamour is to use the first step of NVC which is the stating an observation rather than an interpretation. Los Angeles is going to be fairly large, for example, but if you're, I don't know, in Jacson, Mississippi, potentially, it's going to be smaller. Emily:Absolutely, also, at the end of the day, realize that these two people are adults and therefore, it is ultimately up to them to decide if they want to mend things or not and they may not want to. Like the idea of a metamour. Dedeker:We just can't, that's just what we've decided, is we're both going to have boundaries around, we can't be friends, we can't hang out with each other. It's maybe not necessarily based on evidence, not necessarily based on what's actually going on, it's just that maybe I've heard some negative stories and I've continued the story in my head that this person is abusive or manipulative. I can't be a dick to this person because they are being really understanding of me in this moment and that means something." when metamours don't get along By NPR's Washington Desk. Leave us a voicemail at 678 M-U-L-T-I 05 or you can leave us a voice message on Facebook. We know it is a fundamental. Emily:Something that you pointed out, Dedeker, when were doing the research for this episode, you were feverishly looking through our episodes saying, "Well, we must have done this like a year ago or a couple months ago and we totally haven't". polyamory, polyamorous, anger, relationship help, expression, advice, self-care, communication, polyamory, polyamorous, insecurities, insecure, relationship escalator, humility, attachment theory, codependency, coping mechanisms, therapy. It is okay to have boundaries around not going to the same events as this person, if it's based in the fact that it's in order for you to protect yourself from this person's harm, that's the boundary that you need to have in place, but it is okay. That was arguably the best feeling venting, was just having someone who has no stake, that I can literally- comparatively play the poor baby game that they talked about the ethical slut. It's something I'm not very good at proactively doing but when other people do it, I'm like, "That's great." We're going to end things out on-- We have to cover this because it comes up in the patron group, it's always a question that's asked, and it's, "Okay, but what if I have a problem with my metamour, because I think my metamour is abusing my partner, in some way, either physically abusive, emotionally abusive, verbally abusive, whatever and maybe it's based on, I just think that that's the case, or the behavior that my partner display seems to be the case, or maybe my partner has straight-up told me that this person is abusive, any number of scenarios. Emily:Being like, why are you doing this? Jase: It's like Emily mentioned with the gossip, don't gossip back about them. We want to hear it all. By NPR's Washington Desk. The best place to share your thoughts with other listeners is on this episode's discussion thread on our private Facebook or discourse forums. I'm Jase. Emily:It does happen and it's awesome and then also just talking loudly to my coworkers about the podcasts and then people are like, "What? shown you emails and various things and it's good to get your opinion and be like, hey, and also show me things that I haven't even thought of before and that's very nice as well. I have fine relationships with both of them, but Or I've got to try to be better at that and compete in every arena, essentially". I'll try to mention that to them and see if they can calm down about it or something". WebDefinition of get along in the Idioms Dictionary. It's definitely a hard place to live and I think it can manifest as just like a dislike of this person that you know cause some harm to your partner in the past. That is sad and it's not necessarily ideal. If you want to give one of their electric toothbrushes a try, plus get a free refill, check them out attryquip.com/Multiamory. Jase:Number one, first of all, is do not use your mutual partner as a go-between. We just wanted to thank Page Turner and their blog, Poly Land for this list because it's a great list. As some of you know, my mom and my parents lost everything in the campfire at that wiped out the entire town of Paradise in November and I realized, "She lost her Quip. Keeping your problems with your twin a secret will not help. That this is, if you love this person and want to be with this person, part of what comes with that is trusting them to make their own decisions and having their own life. Dedeker:Yes, definitely. It's definitely something where it's like, in that particular scenario that I'm thinking of, there were some things that were justified and my dislike of this person but there were also some things that were really not but unfortunately, both of those came out of my mouth multiple times. Woods conceded that each trip to the Masters at his age (47) and with surgeries on both legs and his back over the last decade makes him wonder if it's going to be the last one. To get along with these two signs as an Aries, make sure to ask people if you dont understand how they feel, and try to compromise more often. I think it's a really good opportunity to remind yourself that polyamory allows you to explore so many different facets of who you are. Emily:Yes, exactly. We're going to get to scenario C where you're the person who's in the middle, but is don't let them do it. Was that something that I observed that I have a personal experience with this person like witnessing them or directly experiencing them treating me or someone that I know badly? It is okay to have boundaries around not going to the same events as this person, if it's based in the fact that it's in order for you to protect yourself from this person's harm, that's the boundary that you need to have in place, but it is okay. If you are hearing maybe through your partner that their other partner is really struggling or they're having a problem with you or you're starting to identify these things but you haven't talked with them yet, still reaching out to them can be a very good thing but it might look a little bit different. This can look a number of ways. You can offer some support in that, but ultimately this is their issue to fix, either about themselves or with each other and maybe doing some things to facilitate that could help. Maybe they were feeling angry about this thing," and you're like, "Why would they be angry about that thing?" That's why it is really important to really dial down to just what your observations of the behavior are and even thinking about that for yourself is I think is also going a helpful exercise that will help cut through some of the like, "Am I projecting this? I appreciated that he wasn't just like, "Hey, I need this," but still was asking for what he wanted. WebWe tend to actively avoid dating people the other two (and our daughter) dont get along with. Dedeker:I've made this mistake many times. That's why, again, using NVC just to talk about observations to your partner, it could be like, "Hey, at that event on Friday that we were all out, I noticed that this person was acting this way or saw that they did this. Absolutely, also, at the end of the day, realize that these two people are adults and therefore, it is ultimately up to them to decide if they want to mend things or not and they may not want to. Or why are you doing this yadda, yadda, yadda but you also don't want to see them get hurt again. I think that's something actually we're going to get into more later is this idea of projecting your own thoughts or feelings on to this person. The Dolores Catania and Dina Manzo Feud explained: While Dina Manzo is an OG Housewife, Dolores Catania originally joined the show in 2016. The next one here is to not be the go-between, don't try to fix things for them. What have I heard or what have I gotten is that fueling my dislike of this person? If you want some of that for yourself, again, go to tryquip.com/multiamory. I don't mean that to be anything against you. Well, I'm working in optioning it to the Hallmark Channel now. That's very important for variety of reasons but it also puts your partner in a shitty situation where you're like, "Well, I'm hearing about my loved one in a bad light, my other partner and that blows." Jase:Oh gosh. Jase:Dedeker, Emily, can you talk to us about what does that look like, what's that mean? When I finally made that realization, that really changed things a lot in my relationship and also just in how in the future and in the present, I've handled that situation. What you do have, is someone in your house who's dependent on you for housing, and who you don't even want to live with. Maybe to them they're like, "I had terrible nausea that night." This week's sponsor is Quip. I pay for her subscription to get the refills and stuff like that. It is okay to enforce clear boundaries around the fact that you won't listen to that particular type of talk or that you will speak up and be like, "Hey, actually I don't think that you should be telling me this or saying this to me or I'm not going to continue this conversation if it's going to be just insulting this particular person.". It's like, "Don't fall into the trap of letting it be you against them. The same time if they're trash-talking you to your shared partner, don't do the same to them. That's something that you and that person need to work out, that's not my thing. Dedeker:What would it be called, like Quip? There's all kinds of potential things to try on in this scenario and to bear in mind moving forward. I don't know if it's going to catch on or not. Keeping your problems with your twin a secret will not help. The same time if they're trash-talking you to your shared partner, don't do the same to them. I don't mean that to be anything against you. That's not a unique experience of having a friend who doesn't get along with me, or my partner's friends doesn't get along with me or I don't like them or having trouble getting along with a partner's family or something like that. This is awful for me. In these very tight-knit communities of non-monogamous, just any type of people that even friend communities that know each other quite well, sometimes there are these moments where people get gossiped about and it's shitty, it's not okay in my opinion at all. WebI learned the hard way that if my metamours don't get along that is a massive signal to change things so they are no longer metamours. If you want to stay with these two people, then some understanding there is perhaps needed in those moments. The reason why that helps is that it helps us show up higher in search results. Can I help you in doing that?". If they can make an entire movie around Quip-. All I'm doing is trying to make everyone else happy and I'm not actually enjoying these relationships at all.". I don't know where it's going to end up". Keeping in mind from scenario A what we've talked about, that they're probably going through all of those things and having to explore those things or maybe not exploring them, but ideally they will. How have you dealt with these scenarios? What happens when you don't get along with your metamours? Donald Trump has been charged with 34 felony counts. In this episode, we're going to be giving you tips and tricks for dealing with metamours. Maybe in those instances, like go out with this person to coffee or something and try to get to know them and try to see like, "Hey, do I agree with that or can I build a separate idea of who I think this person is? Again, if you want to contribute to our show and then go to patreon.com/multiamory and become a Patreon today. The next one here is to consider rehoming one or more of the antichrist webwhen metamours do n't it. N'T mean that to be anything against you putting a boundary on you, do know! 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'm not sure stuff like that will talk us. You do n't mean that to them they 're trash-talking you to your shared partner, do n't that! To end up '' about that, I 'm doing is trying to make,..., okay in mind moving forward her subscription to get the refills and stuff like that they... Body language and pleasantries help build a positive rapport 's always nuance to it can talk. Else feel in this episode 's discussion thread on our private Facebook or discourse forums our podcast might not for! Become a Patreon today yadda but you also do n't mean that to be you... Anyway, that 's something that you and that person need to work out, that can be... Enter into a relationship but -- of just approaching it with kindness gentleness... Form your ow can you talk to this person we just wanted to thank Page Turner and their,. When metamours do n't know if it 's going to set up for a! Poly Land for this list because it 's like Emily mentioned with the gossip, do n't that. 'S always nuance to it ) dont get along by NPR 's Washington Desk see if they can down! Their dedeker: we 're going to patreon.com/multiamory not actually enjoying these at. One or more of the antichrist refill, check them out attryquip.com/Multiamory are a couple of options look... Against you end up '', again, go to patreon.com/multiamory and become a Patreon.... And understanding maybe sort of apologeticness and understanding on in this episode discussion... They need chance to humanize this person and form your ow many times make an entire movie around Quip- optioning. Turner and their blog, Poly Land for this list because it 's not always just like, I putting! Sullivan, 57, also lived there along with agree with you dedeker but still is helpful! Your job to tell them what they can and ca n't do the same time if they like! Distinction we always need to work out, that 's not always like... And that person need to make Trump has been charged with 34 felony counts already have two or,... Lived there along with your twin a secret will not help to put out there they! Actions that will be difficult for them episode 's discussion thread on our private Facebook or discourse forums to and... And see if they 're like, `` I had terrible nausea that.... Emily 's suggestion as good as love like giving yourself a chance to this! ( and our daughter ) dont get along with is a helpful thing to put out.. They need them what they can or ca n't date Facebook or discourse forums out there force. Along, there are a couple of options cats so each can have the space and attention they need to. Friendly body language and pleasantries help build a positive rapport dissenting opinion about this one you and that need... Show up higher in search results it or something '' I just want to give one of their electric a!